


Getting Bat-Advice

by BlueJay027



Category: Batman - All Media Types, The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)
Genre: Batman is Annoyed, F/M, Frenemies, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2018-11-07 11:33:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11058075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueJay027/pseuds/BlueJay027
Summary: During Batfamily Movie Night, Wayne Manor receives an unexpected visitor.





	1. The Visitor

"Robin! What happened to the remote?" Batman dug in between the seat cushions, feeling for the familiar slab of plastic.

"Right here, Padre!" Robin's grinning face appeared over the seat, the remote in hand.

Batman took it. "Thanks, kid."

Robin bounded up and over into the chair next to Batman, squeaking the leathery cushions. "Oh man, I can't wait, Batdad! I love this movie so much! It's one of my favorites!"

"Yeah." Batman relaxed against his seat. "Mine too."

Robin leapt off his seat and dashed for the kitchen. "I'll go help Miss Gordon with the ice cream!"

Batman chuckled a little, then started setting up the input and the main menu. The addition of ice cream for movie night had been Robin's idea, but Barbara had strongly advocated for it, too. Seriously, there was nothing like coming home to watch a rom-com after an epic night of butt-kicking. They worked hard, they fought hard, and they saved the city again.

Of course, it wasn't like tonight's fight had been much of a challenge. Joker seemed out of sorts, a bit more neurotic than usual. Wasn't at the top of his game for whatever reason. Not that it would mess up their movie night, though. They earned it, which made the occasion all the more satisfying.

Barbara entered, auburn ponytail flopped over one shoulder, with Robin close at her heels. Both carried bowls heaped high with ice cream and bottles of soda and water. As they arranged the refreshments on the arm of each chair, Batman yelled towards the kitchen. "Alfred! Is the popcorn done yet?"

Alfred walked in a mere second after the inquiry. "Here you are, Master Bruce." He set one bowl between Batman and Robin, the other next to Barbara. Alfred sat down next to her, sighing in satisfaction as he laid back and stretched his legs across the cushion.

"Great!" Batman did a quick double-check, glancing around him to make sure everything was in place: family-friends, popcorn, soda, ice cream sundaes. "Are we all set?"

Barbara nodded and twisted the cap off her water bottle. "I believe we are."

"Start the movie, start the movie!" Robin urged, bouncing in his seat.

Batman smirked. "Alright, let's get this party started." He jabbed the 'Play' button on the remote.

It was just at that moment when the gongish-doorbell of the Wayne Manor rang.

Batman sat straight up and glared out the doorframe in disbelief. "Are you kidding me? Now? Right as we're starting a movie?!" He groaned as he paused the film, sinking back in his seat. "Alfred, would you mind getting that?"

Alfred, who already looked like he was ready to fall asleep, grunted as he leaned forward. "Right away, Master Bruce."

Barbara, however, frowned and put her hand on the butler's shoulder. "Hang on, Alfred." Turning to the Caped Crusader, she said, "Hey, Batman, Alfred's been on his feet all day, why don't you give him a break and go get the door yourself?"

"But getting the door is part of his job description!" he protested.

Barbara lowered her eyebrows. "Batman..."

Batman groaned again, then threw the remote down. "Fine! I'll do it." He stood and stalked out of the movie room, muttering under his breath about ding-dongs and movie-ruiners.

"Hmm..." Barbara watched him as he left. Despite her frown, the corner of her lip inched a tad upward. "Still need to work on manners with that boy."

"Indubitably," Alfred agreed, lightly smirking with her.

Batman continued his muttering all the way to the door, his complaints escalating in volume the more the doorbell rang. Okay, seriously, did they even need to ring it more than once? He heard them the first time! It better not be some sort of salesperson or something like that. He had enough cool stuff already, he didn't need anything else. Especially not during movie night. Who shows up on your doorstep at night, anyway?

Well, technically, it was six in the morning, but calling it movie night was way cooler than calling it movie morning, in Batman's opinion.

"For crying out loud, I'm coming!" He stomped up to the fancy, molded double-doors and jerked at the locks. "Who do you think you are, interrupting Batfamily Rom-Com Night?! We worked hard for this, you know! This better be important," he threw the doors wide open, squinting at the morning sunlight, "otherwise I'm gonna - Joker?!"

"Hey, Batsy!" Joker waved. "Rom-Com Night, huh?"

Batman flung a batarang so hard it whacked his arch-nemesis off the threshhold and sent him tumbling down the long flight of stairs. Batman raced after him, grabbing two more batarangs from his robe's pockets and aiming them at the psychopath as soon as he fell flat on his face.

For a moment, Joker laid motionless on the pavement. He slowly pushed himself up to a sitting position. His complexion clenched into a grimace as he rubbed the red mark blossoming over his left cheekbone, and he shot a glare at the vigilante. "Sheesh, a friendly, 'Oh, hello Joker, what brings you here?' would have been nice."

"What are you doing here?" Batman demanded. "I beat you already, you should be off crying somehwere about that, not here trying to catch me off guard!"

Joker carefully stood to his feet, Batman keeping the batarangs trained on him as he did so. But Joker calmly put his hands up, a cool smile erasing away the former grimace. "Relax, Batsy. I'm not here to see you; I'm here to pay a friendly visit to good ol' Wayne Moneybags. He wouldn't happen to be home at the moment, would he?"

"Wayne Moneybags?" Batman cocked his head. "You mean Bruno? As in the brilliant billionaire Bruce Wayne?"

"Yep! So if you'll just let me get past-" Joker moved sideways away from the batarangs and forwarded, intending to climb up the stairs again.

"Whoa, whoa, hang on a second!" Batman's arm flung in front of the criminal, blocking his path. The other waved a batarang in Joker's face so that the tip nearly poked him in the nose. "You are an enigmatic criminal psychopath. Why would you of all people want to talk to him? Or more appropriately, why _should_ you of all people get to talk to him?"

" _Because_ ," Joker sung, folding his hands behind his back, "I bet he really loves living here in his mansion. Would be such a shame if it happened to, you know, blow up or something." He shrugged, a tiny smile playing across his face. "But you know, that probably won't happen, if he talks to me, anyhow."

"Yeah, it won't happen," Batman spat, "because there are no explosives anywhere in this area."

"How do you know?" Joker challenged, voice light and taunting.

Batman grabbed the smartphone from his pocket and shoved the screen in Joker's face. "Because I have the latest threat-detection devices wired everywhere around this mansion and into my phone. If there were explosives, I'd know about them by now."

"What if they're untraceable?"

"Impossible. Wayne Enterprises has invented security systems that can detect any and all kinds of explosives, even the so-called untraceable ones. If there were any explosives right here, right now, I would be notified and the threat would be neutralized." He towered over him and jabbed him in the chest. "Watch your bluff, clown."

"Okay, so maybe there aren't explosives," Joker admitted, smile slipping into a half-frown. "But that doesn't mean I can't talk to him!"

"Why?"

"You're too paranoid, Batsy. You need to lighten up a little!" He pulled an affronted frown, clasping his hands in front of his stomach and blinking innocently. "Do you think I'm always up to no good? What if I came here just for advice?"

Batman narrowed his eyes. "What kind of advice?"

"Brucy's been the Most Eligible Bachelor for 90 years in a row now, right?"

"Pft. Everyone knows that."

"I figured that if he's been eligible for 90 years now, there must be a reason why." Joker laughed. "Keeps scaring all the ladies off for some reason!"

Batman pointed a batarang at the clown's face. "Hey! Don't you question his bachelor status! He just hasn't found the right woman yet! And what do you care if he's been single for 90 years?"

"Well, the thing is, I need some help. It's about Harley." Joker scuffed his foot into the ground, biting down on his lower lip. "She hasn't been acting like herself lately. I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with her, but she won't tell me anything, and the guys and other gals I'm forced to work with just to carry out a decent scheme are no help at all. _But,_ I just happened to pick up a magazine the other day, and it just happened to mention that Wayne Moneybags was the ultimate ladies' man, so I thought that if anyone could help me figure out what's up with my girl-buddy, it'd be him!"

Whatever in Joker's mind made him think Bruce Wayne would willingly give him advice, let alone talk to him at all, Batman was unsure. But for now, this clown was interrupting Batfamily Movie Night, and he needed to leave pronto.

"I don't have any incentive for him," Joker went on, "but if you could just play along like the explosives were actually here..."

"Yeah, not gonna happen," Batman stated. "Bruno's gone, and he won't be back for weeks."

Joker blinked, as if he had not even considered that possibility. "What? What do you mean 'gone'?"

"'Gone' as in absent, not present, not here, as in there was no point in you coming here or in staying here, so you should just go now."

Joker paused, then regained a hopeful smile. "What about you? You've had a few girlfriends over the years, and you _do_ spend your free time watching movies about relationships. Maybe you could help me out!"

Batman crossed his arms. "No way."

"What? Why not?"

"Because I don't want to," Batman shrugged. "Isn't that obvious?"

Joker's jaw dropped, and then his eyebrows dipped into a 'v'. "Well, you have to!"

"Why?"

"Because!" He stamped his foot, hands clenched into fists at his sides. "It's just plain _rude_ not to! I didn't come all this way here just to get the door slammed in my face, thank you very much! You have to help me!"

"If we were friends, maybe," Batman shrugged again. "But because you're my greatest enemy, I don't have to."

"Well..." Joker stopped, suddenly torn, and then half-shrugged in assent. "That's true, but-"

"But nothing," the vigilante cut him off. "Look, I'm really busy enjoying Batfamily Movie Night - _trying_ to, anyway - so why don't you just go on home and think really hard as to how you can beat me next time? Last night was barely a challenge, bro. You seriously need to step up your game." Batman pivoted on his heels and ascended the stairs, shoving the batarangs into his pockets. He reentered his house, firmly pulling the doors shut behind him.

Except they wouldn't close all the way, for Joker had shoved a hand and foot between them.

"Batman, please!" He pulled hard on the mansion's doors, desperate to keep them open. "I don't know what else to do! No one will tell me anything!" His mouth had curved into a frantic frown, a stark contrast to his annoyance moments before. "Do you want me to grovel? I'll do it!"

Batman shuddered and kicked him off the threshhold. Joker rolled head-over-heels backwards, flopping onto his stomach just inches before the long flight of stairs. "No, I don't want you to grovel! I want you to go away!"

Joker lifted his head, and then meekly picked himself up. He started forward. "But Harley-"

"Whatever your problem is, you can figure it out yourself! Goodbye!" Batman slammed the door, conversation declared over. He exhaled sharply.

When he turned around, Robin was standing there, head cocked. "Who was that, Batdad?"

"Just Joker," Batman growled, waving the answer off as nothing.

Robin's eyes grew even larger with wonder. "The Joker? At our house?" He scrambled up to one of the windows by the doors and peeked between the red curtains. "Why? What did he want?"

"Some help in his sad romance," Batman scoffed.

"Does he have a girlfriend?"

"Yeah, Harley Quinn, the crazy chick with the big hammer. They're a thing."

Robin glanced at him. "Well, did you help him?"

"Pft, no. Why would I?"

"Because it's the kind thing to do, Padre!" Robin smiled.

Batman shrugged it off. "Ah, well. He'll figure it out, he'll get over it." He descended the red carpeted stairs to the dining room, motioning towards the home theater. "Come on, let's get back to watching the movie. You didn't start it without me, did you?"

Robin didn't answer right away. "Uh, Batdad?"

"What?"

"Joker's still here."

"What?" Batman spun around, an incredulous look on his face. "What do you mean he's still here? I just told him to go away!" He bolted back up the stairs. "Doesn't he know how to take a hint?"

"He looks pretty upset."

"What do you mean?" Batman looked out the window to see what his son was talking about.

Down below, near the gates of the manor, Joker was kicking the front left wheel of his purple hunk of junk he called his ride. A part came loose from the hood, which he proceeded to pick up and hurl across the manicured lawn. Stomping over to it, he kicked it a few more yards away, yelling and flinging his arms up and down as he did so. He returned to his car, forced the driver's door open, and flopped down in his seat, arms crossed and pointed tooth sticking out over the line of his mouth.

Batman laughed out loud. He shook his head. "That's great."

His arch-nemesis just sat there like that for a few moments. Soon he turned the keys and gripped the steering wheel, but remained fixed in that posture. His infuriated expression began to melt; the lower lip trembled, eyes got all teary. He sniffled and then lowered his forehead to the wheel. His shoulders shook up and down.

"Now it's just pathetic," Batman muttered.

Robin, however, gaped in pity. "Aw, Padre! We just can't leave him like that!"

"Why not?" Batman wondered. "He's Joker. You know, the person we spend our evenings beating up because he wants to turn Gotham City into his chaotic theme park?"

"He's a person, too, Batdad," Robin replied, looking at his father, "even though he's our greatest enemy."

Batman looked at his greatest enemy again. Despite his disgust, he couldn't help feeling a dull pang of guilty sympathy for the sad clown. But he could live with that. Joker had frequent outbursts, so he would soon get over this one... Probably...

What he couldn't live with, however, was ignoring the quizzical expression, the hidden expectation, Robin was giving him. This kid looked up to him. If he didn't man up and do what he really, really, _really_ didn't want to do but knew was nevertheless the right thing to do...

Batman did the most exaggerated groan he could possibly manage, tossing back his head and slamming it against the window. "FINE! Fine! I'll go help him."

Robin smiled. "You're the best, Padre!"

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Batman muttered, moving to the doors to unlock them. "I'm so awesome, I can't help myself."

"Do you want me to come help?" Robin offered, trotting behind him.

Batman shook his head. "Nah, you go ahead and start watching the movie with Alfred and Babs, 'kay? I've seen it a thousand times already, anyway. I'll be back soon."

"Okay, Batdad!" Robin disappeared down the stairs and into one of the halls. Batman took a deep breath, bracing himself, then swung the doors open again and stepped outside. He groaned to himself as he forced his legs to walk towards the lowrider and its occupant, clenching and unclenching his claw hands to help him resist the urge to rap about how much he didn't want to do this.

That would make for a pretty dope track, though.


	2. Problem-Solving

Batman finally reached the edge of the lawn. For a moment he contemplated turning around and heading back inside, but with an inhale and puff of his chest, he forced himself to continue on. He rolled his eyes at the faint sobbing sounds coming from the front seat of the lowrider, although the engine's rumble drowned out most of what could be heard.

Batman stopped by the driver's door. He groaned under his breath as he kicked at the ground. "Alright Joker, fine. I'll help you. And for the record, it's only so you'll get off my property."

"You mean Bruce Wayne's property?" The reply was muffled, considering the driver had his face pressed against the wheel.

"Whatever." Batman crossed his arms. "Just tell me what your problem is so we can get this over with."

"Oh, feeling benevolent now, are we?" Joker lifted his head and glared through tears at Batman. "Well, maybe I don't want your help anymore! Maybe I'll just drive away and figure out what to do all by myself! Huh? What do you think about that?" He folded his arms over his chest and turned his face up and away.

Batman growled. "Do you want my help or not?"

Joker kept silent for a few moments, still pouting, and then sighed. "Yes."

"Fine." Batman turned his head, looking at the iron gate of the manor to gather his thoughts. If he dared admit it, he had made his fair share of mistakes when it came to dating women. Not that many, because he was Batman, of course, but even he had to learn his lessons along the way. He also watched plenty of other men mess up, although that was mostly from rom-com films. Still, screenwriters had to get their material from somewhere, right?

"You said Harley wasn't acting like herself," Batman recalled, glancing at his green-haired nemesis. "Tell me about that, bro."

"...She hasn't been as perky as usual," Joker explained after a brief silence. He twisted the keys, shutting off the engine, and leaned back in his seat. "She's been a bit..." His hand made tiny circles as he searched for the right word. "...Deflated. She doesn't talk to me unless I say something, and even then it's with short answers. And whenever I tell a joke, she either gives me a fake laugh or doesn't respond at all."

"Could it be that maybe your jokes have just gotten even worse than usual?"

Joker turned to glower at him.

"Because, you know," Batman shrugged, "your jokes are lame already, so maybe she's getting tired of them."

"You just don't understand comedy," Joker retorted with a roll of his eyes. "And anyway, Harley always laughs at my jokes - really hard, too! But I haven't heard her sincerely laugh for days now." His frown softened as he rested his chin on the steering wheel. "She hasn't even called me sugarplum, or Mistah J, or puddin'."

Batman made a face. "Gross."

"I don't understand why she won't tell me what's wrong," Joker went on, leaning back again and hanging one hand over the door. He couldn't keep still. "She always tells me everything, even when I don't want to hear about it. Why won't she tell me now? When I actually _want_ to hear about it?"

"Hard to say." There could be many different reasons. Batman placed a hand on his chin. "Do you have any idea at all what could be bothering her?"

Joker shrugged. "Not really. I've even tried asking Catwoman and Poison Ivy what's wrong, but they just glare at me and tell me I should know, whatever that means. Which is stupid, because if I did know, I wouldn't have asked them in the first place."

"Ah." Batman flicked his claw hand. "That means it's your fault."

Joker's eyebrows shot up. "What?" He pointed to himself and narrowed an eye. "Me? What do you mean, 'me'? How is this my fault?"

"Whenever the ladies gang up against you like that, you know you did something stupid."

The clown stared at Batman, the skeptical expression never leaving his face. "Well, I don't know _what_ ," he finally said, stretching his arms apart. "Harley never gets upset with anything I do."

Batman frowned, not entirely convinced of that statement. True, Harley was Joker's biggest fan. She had always been devoted to him and probably always would be. Still, Harley must have had her limits that even Joker could push. Batman suspected that Joker had unwittingly struck a certain nerve, and Harley was doing the best she could to hide it from him.

What Joker could have possibly done, Batman had no clue. But they might as well start with the basic feminine pet peeves and then work their way down the list. They'd hit something sooner or later. "Did she get a haircut or a new outfit?"

Joker thought for a moment, then gave his head a slight shake. "No. If she had gotten a haircut or something like that, I would have noticed right away."

"What makes you so sure about that?"

"Well, she always goes way out with her fashion choices. Subtlety isn't really her thing, so I would have noticed right away if she changed things up."

True. Next question: "Did you insult her or say anything to her she might have taken the wrong way?"

"Oh no, I actually complimented her on how cute she was the other day." He grinned, shutting his eyes. "She's so pretty. And then she told me how handsome I was." He swept back his emerald hair as if to prove his point.

Batman blew a raspberry. "No wonder that girl needs glasses."

Joker glared. "Hey, you're one to talk! At least _I'm_ not ashamed of my looks. Unlike some people who dress in black and hide in the shadows to conceal their terrible fashion choices." He threw a pointed look at the vigilante, smirking.

"Oh yeah? At least _I_ have abs. Unlike some people who wear outdated coattails."

"They're not outdated!" He proudly flipped back the purple tails. "Coattails are timeless, not to mention absolutely fashionable all year round."

"Yeah, well, abs are better, especially if you have a nine-pack."

"A nine-pack? Who has a nine-pack? Is that even a thing?"

"If you actually worked out, you would know."

Joker blew out a breath, propping a foot up on the wheel and folding his arms behind his head. "Whatever you need to say to boost your ego, Batsy. I know how important _that_ is to you." He smirked again.

Batman growled. "Back to your sad romance... Special dates, birthdays, anything like that?"

"Nah, that's not it."

Batman paused. That answer came out a little too quick. "Are you sure? There's no special occasion?"

"Nope."

"At all? Think really hard, bro."

This time, Joker did hesitate. "No..." He tapped his chin, and then a flicker of remembrance crossed his expression. "Well, I mean, there was our anniversary, but that can't be it."

Batman cocked his head. "Anniversary?"

"Yeah, the day Harley sprung me from Arkham Asylum. She became my girl-buddy that day." He smiled. "That was a great day."

Well, for the two clowns, maybe. That hadn't been a particularly great day for the city of Gotham. Aside from wreaking havoc inside Arkham, the duo went around the city destroying property and stealing stuff for Joker's next big scheme.

Batman noted that Joker had said 'was.' "What did you guys do to celebrate?"

"Oh, we didn't do anything."

Batman blinked. "...Uh, what?"

Joker nodded. "Yeah, we were too busy to celebrate this year, so we're gonna hold off and see if next year will work."

Batman suddenly had a bat-hunch. "When was your anniversary?"

"Oh, it was yesterday," he replied airily.

Yesterday, as in, last night. The pieces clicked together in Batman's super-mind, and he gave the clown an incredulous look. "You put off your anniversary with your girlfriend just to terrorize Gotham City?"

"Well, yeah, but Harley was cool with it."

Batman crossed his arms. "What exactly did she say to you, Joker, when you talked with her about it?"

"She said, 'Fine,' and that was that." He shrugged. "No big deal."

A batarang smacked the clown right on the mark Batman left the first time. Joker yelped, clenching the spot, and then glared at the Caped Crusader when he recovered well enough. "OW! What was that for?"

Batman threw his hands out, jaw dropped. "Bro! That's a big deal! You don't put off your girlfriend's anniversary and then expect her to be fine with it!"

Joker tilted his head a tad. "But she's always fine with it!"

Batman stared. "What do you mean, 'always fine with it'?"

"We end up putting it off every year. I mean, it used to be a special occasion. At least, I think it was..." Joker's eyebrows lowered slightly. "Come to think of it, I can't really remember the last time we celebrated it. But the best time to attack Gotham City is always around our anniversary. All the planes and ships with the best explosives and coolest chemicals just seem to pass through this time of year, and the opportunity to use them is just too good to pass up, so our anniversary's had to take the back burner pretty much every year."

Batman glared at the clown, his mouth hanging open in disbelief.

Joker's eyes flitted to the second batarang in Batman's grasp. He tensed, and his voice wasn't quite as nonchalant as before. "Why? Is that bad?"

The batarang clocked Joker on the right side of the head. He yelped yet again as he fell over the lowrider's door, landed on his side, and flopped over on his back. "Was that really necessary?!"

"I'm not even gonna answer that," Batman muttered.

When he was able to, Joker rolled over and stood to his feet. "But she's never been bothered about it before! Why would it be a problem this year?"

"How do you know it hasn't bothered her before, Casanova?" Batman crossed his arms. "How do you know this isn't the first time you crushed her heart into tiny little pieces? Maybe this is just the first time you actually noticed it."

Joker winced, yet there was still a hint of skepticism in his tone. "But if it's such a big deal, why wouldn't she say something?"

"If she thought you cared," Batman shrugged, "maybe she'd say something. But if you keep putting it off over and over again, what else is she going to think except that it doesn't matter to you?"

Joker gripped his wrist, briefly glancing at the ground. "But it's just an anniversary... Just another date on the calendar, you know. It's not like I don't care about _her_."

"That's not how most women view anniversaries, bro. For Harley, your anniversary isn't just another date on the calendar. It's incredibly special to her because it marks the day you two became... best buddies." He had to swallow a gag at that wording. He pointed another batarang at Joker's face, circling it for emphasis. "What does it tell her if you're too busy to celebrate it anymore? Isn't she going to think that your relationship with her isn't as special to you as it is to her?"

Realization lit Joker's face, and a look of guilt shortly followed. "Aw, Harley..." He bit down on his lower lip, coattails sagging. "That's why she's so upset..."

"Yeah, duh," Batman crossed his arms again. "Did it really need to take you this long to figure it out?"

"I smashed my girl-buddy's heart..." He banged his head against the car door, squeezing his eyes shut. He stayed that way for a minute or so. "What do I do now?"

"Easy. Go back to her, tell her you were an idiot, and make it up to her."

"Make it up to her..." Joker lapsed into thought for a few moments, and then lifted his head to quirk an eyebrow at Batman. "Like take her out on a date or something?"

"Whatever you would have done if you celebrated your anniversary, only make it even better. You need to show her how much you appreciate her. We both know she appreciates you a lot. You need to do the same for her."

Joker looked down, thinking, and then the line of his mouth transformed into a wide grin. "Yes! Yes, that's exactly what I'll do!"

"That's exactly what you _better_ do," Batman corrected gruffly.

Joker's grin curled into a devious smile, and he rubbed his claw hands together. "And I know just how to do it!" He laughed, long and triumphant.

"Good. Now you can leave."

Joker's smile morphed back into a happy grin as he addressed the vigilante once more. "Thanks, Batman! It's a good thing you're a die-hard rom-com fan! Never hurts to be a romantic, now does it?" He smirked at him.

Batman clenched his jaw. "You're paying for that next time I see you."

"Hehe, I know." Joker turned on a leg and hopped into his car. "Well, I better get going! Anniversary plans don't make themselves, you know!"

"Yeah, good riddance," Batman replied. Now he could finally get back to watching the movie.

Joker twisted the keys and revved the engine. "Thanks again, Batsy! Oh, and by the way-" he scooped a little box from the passenger's seat and scribbled something over it- "here's a little something for your trouble." He threw the parcel in the air, and with his characteristic laugh, he sped away, nearly grazing the iron gate on the way out. And then he was gone.

"Finally," Batman muttered. He looked down at the box that landed near his feet. The name "Brucy" had been crossed out, a sloppy "Batsy" written above it.

Scowling, Batman poked the box with the batarang, side-stepping to avoid any surprise explosions. Nothing. Cautiously, he tipped the lid. He jumped aside just as a pie sprung out. It splattered and smeared thick white cream on the grass, its silver pan stamped with Joker's face and a "Gotcha!" caption.

Batman shook his head. "Nice try, bro."

"Batman?"

"GAH!" Batman spun around. Barbara stood a few feet away, quirking an eyebrow at him. He groaned. "Seriously, why do you keep doing that?!"

"Is everything okay?" She stepped closer, cocking her head. "I saw that you and Joker were talking for awhile."

"Oh?" A smirk tugged at his lips. "Were you spying on me?"

She glared. "I was only watching just in case things got out of hand. That was it."

"Or," Batman raised a hand in protest, "you were spying on me because you have, like, a totally big crush on me. And I wouldn't blame you if you did."

Barbara groaned, rolling her eyes, and then asked, "I'm assuming everything went well? There was no incident? Other than the cream pie?"

"Yeah, everything's fine, Babs. I totally got everything taken care of. You know why? 'Cause I'm Batman." He tapped his cowl, switching on one of his favorite tunes, and started dancing to the sick beat.

_"I'm Batman! I'm awesome! I've got a nine-pack!"_

The vigilante was certain he saw a hint of a smile as Barbara shook her head. "Whatever you say, Batman." She turned towards the stairs, motioning for him to follow. "Come on, let's get back to the movie. I don't think it's over just yet."

Batman gladly walked after her. "Right behind you, Babs."


	3. Anniversary Plans

It was dark by the time Joker was driving back to his hideout. A huge grin stretched his cheeks as he raced down the streets of Gotham. The roar of the engine, the wind blowing in his face, and the foreboding sense that the cops may soon be on his tail energized his already over-the-top excitement for the evening. He jerked the wheel to turn a corner, woo-hooing in glee as pedestrians scrambled out of the way. The look of terror on their faces was absolutely hilarious!

Joker had spent the whole day getting ready for his and Harley's anniversary celebration, planning out everything they were going to do and "borrowing" all the things he needed from unsuspecting citizens. He even got some of the Rogues to help out with certain tasks to ensure the evening would run smoothly. The Rogues who weren't given jobs instead got the night off, sternly instructed not to say anything about the occasion to Harley lest they wanted a very long monologue about the importance of keeping secrets the following day.

He was determined to make it up to her, poor girl. All these years, she had let him put off their celebration without a single complaint. How she could keep quiet about it for so long, he had no idea. _He_ always spoke up when he was unhappy.

"But tonight is going to be different!" he declared over the wind. He would take Harley out on the most exciting anniversary date ever. She wouldn't be mopey for much longer, oh no; she would be smiling and laughing and having the time of her life!

It didn't take long for the clown to reach the secret hideout. It wasn't fancy, just another one of those abandoned warehouses that somehow disappeared from public memory. But hey, as long as there was no Batman or Gotham City Police breaking down the doors, he was cool with it.

Joker cruised behind the building and backed his car up into the empty space designated as the garage. He leaped out over the purple door, the insane grin on his face barely concealing the laughter welling up inside him. He practically skipped through the dim building, feet automatically tracking towards what was considered the living room. With all the Rogues either taking the night off or helping him with his anniversary plans, only Harley would be present.

He poked his head around the doorframe. There she was, skating figure-eights around the room, twirling her mallet from hand to hand. Occasionally she arched it back and swung at an imaginary object at her feet, muttering either "bang" or "smash" as she completed the motion.

Joker grinned. "Hey, girl-buddy!"

Harley slowed and looked over her shoulder. "Hey!" She skated up to him, resting the handle of her mallet atop one shoulder. "Where have you been? Everyone else said you were busy with something."

He shrugged. "Oh, I just had to run a few quick errands today." A smirk crossed his face. "Gotta keep poor ol' Batsy on his toes, you know?"

"Hehe, yeah." She smiled, but Joker saw through her façade. There was still the slightest strain, the most subtle tightness within her voice, that gave away her true feelings. But now that he knew what was behind that fake smile of hers, he could fix it.

Turning away, Harley skated up to the single recliner of the room and leaned her hammer against it. She rolled her shoulders. "So, what's up?"

"I'll tell you what's up, sweetie pie," Joker replied, waltzing towards her. He couldn't wait to tell her all about his plans - even his coattails danced in anticipation! "You and I are going out on an adventure tonight."

"What kind of adventure? Do you have another heist in mind?"

Joker folded his hands behind his back. "Something like that, but not quite."

"Oh." She cocked her head, pigtails bouncing above her shoulders. "Then what are we doing?"

"I'll show you!" Joker directed Harley to the old desk in the corner of the room. From his coat he pulled a freshly-printed map of Gotham City and smoothed it out, flipping on a light so Harley could see. In red ink, he had circled and starred certain places: their warehouse base, City Hall, a jewelry store, an industrial site near the docks, and a busy highway with a back road. The places were connected with a red line, beginning and ending at the warehouse.

Harley studied it closely, pursing her lips in puzzled concentration. She raised an eyebrow at him. "What is it?"

Joker smiled wide. "This is gonna be a celebration of our anniversary, pumpkin!"

Her face lit up. She didn't speak for a second or two, and then repeated in a quiet voice, "Our anniversary?"

"That's right!" He took her claw hands into his. "We're gonna go out, vandalise property, annoy people, blow things up, that sort of stuff. Just the two of us."

"We are?"

"Yep!"

"Just me and you?"

"Just me and my special girl-buddy!" Harley cried out in delighted surprise when Joker swept her off her feet and into the air, twirling with her in a few circles. "So what do you say?" he asked as he set her down. "Wanna make a night of it?"

She giggled, a pearly grin stretched all the way across her face. "Of course, sugarplum! I'd love to!"

It warmed his heart to hear her pet name for him again. Before he could stop himself, he found the part of the trip he wanted to keep a surprise bubbling from his mouth. "I haven't even told you the best part: there's a glass factory on the edge of the city that just opened a few days ago. They make vases, dishes, figurines, all those kinds of valuable, fragile stuff. We're gonna break in and smash the place up!"

Harley squealed in excitement, clasping her hands together. "Ooh, that sounds wonderful!"

"I knew you'd love it! And I hope it... somehow begins to make up for putting our anniversary off so many years." He bit his bottom lip, tentatively lowering his chin. "And I'm... I'm really sorry about that, Harley. I never meant to hurt your feelings." He glanced at the ground. "But I guess I should have known better. Can you forgive me?"

For a moment, Harley frowned, but in a way that appeared more sympathetic than disappointed. It wasn't long before she wrapped her arms around him, resting her head over his shoulder. Joker could hear the smile in her voice when she spoke. "Aw, how could I not, puddin'?"

Joker returned the hug, another smile spreading over his own face. "You're the best, Harley girl." She was so forgiving...

When she released him, he held his hand out to her. "Well then, shall we get going, my dear?"

Harley snagged it and yanked him towards the doorway, sweeping up her mallet in the other hand. "Whatever you say, Mistah J! Let's go!"

Joker laughed, tripping over his feet as Harley led him towards the garage. This would be the best night ever, he would make sure of it. Anything for his Harley Quinn.


End file.
